Archive for February, 2005

Issues

February 20, 2005
Will not be updating my blog until i resolved some personal issues on my relationship with God. Meanwhile my project group cannot make it. Have to much expectation on them to perform. But end up i was the one who contributed all the ideas.Hope the write up they are giving me will be good. If not, i think i have to do it my own way. Haha. Thanks dotz.

Change of mind

February 19, 2005
I think i should not be staying in hostel on friday as it always make me waste all the free time that i got. I’m also too lazy to go to school. Later i still got project meeting at 6pm in NTU. So sad. Have to stay till then before i can get to go home. Somehow when the term is coming to an end, i find that hostel life is quite ok. Used to hate it but getting to like it a bit. Feel that if i move out of hostel, i will miss out a lot of stuff and most importantly friends. Somehow there are a few people that i will miss a lot. Will miss those time of running with my friends, the moments of having dinner together and very importantly the night we spending playing warcraft3. Haha. The people here are nice but the activities are quite stupid. Oops. I seriously do not know what i want. Must we till when we are about to lose something that we will learn to treasure it? Having mixed feelings about a lot of stuffs lately. Why am i like this? Is this my character?

Don’t you ever wish you were someone else.
You were meant to be the way you are exactly.

How i wish i can be someone else. But i guess no atter who i am, i will still have problems of my own. Nevertheless, it will be better to have problems as a rich guy, then have problems as a poor man. Coming back to the point, i rather to be poor for i will be blessed.But in what sense poor? Haha

Finally it’s all over

February 17, 2005
Glory to the Lord on high. I had 3 quizes today. 2 maths and 1 mental health. I only studied like 10 hours in totally for the 3 quizes. Actually should be 5 hours for each quizes but got 1 surprise maths quiz so no choice. Haha. Thanks to God that i managed to be able to do all of them. Actually i sort of have the questions for my maths quiz beforehand but the tutor changed the questions. Was taken back at first but it turned out to be quite easy. For my second maths quiz, it was super easy and there is no way i am not getting an A for it. Cos the tutor also gave us chance to let us score on it. As for my mental health, it was quite good as i remember most of the stuffs that i managed to study during the afternoon. For most of my quizes, i should be getting As or Bs for them. All thanks to God. As the time i put into studying was very little. I was wondering what if things turned out the other way. What if i screwed up all my quizes? Will i still be able to praise God? Will i still be positive about life and studies? Will i still be able to lift my hands to God? All this and more really make me question about myself and my relationship with God. How strong is my faith? Will i be able to stay rooted in stormy weather or will i just get uprooted? No matter what all i need now is a good rest from all the stress and studies over the past few days. Also to continue to dwell in God’s love.

Dying

February 16, 2005
Just came back from my hall run and also a last minute money collection from people. Which made me got no time to study for today which my lessons ended at 1030. A bit sad as i got two quizes and tutorials to study and do. I do not know what am i doing exactly. It let me have the temptation of not going to cell group for tomorrow. I really do not know man. I am so confused right now. Any guidance from you, oh God. Tell me something, please.

Thanks God

February 15, 2005
Lately i been thinking over many issues. Been struggling with God in a sense. There is a lot of things in my mind but it is hard to put them into words. It is easy to accept Christ as my saviour but it ain’t easy to live out in the image of Him. The yolk of God maybe easy for us to carry with Him as our strength but it is not easy for us to take up the yolk and let go of ourselves. I guess wanting to experience God in my life is not as easy as ABC. Pain and suffering i think is a must for me. It will take me a whole lifetime and i also will not be able to comprehend God. Right now, i must thanks Him for my life science quiz today. As i got 34 out 0f 40 for 5 hours of studying only.

Going to fail

February 13, 2005

I think i am going to fail my life science tomorrow. Never study for it at all. That is all for today.

Power off

February 12, 2005
Just now i went down to church for the PA thing. To eq the sound system for tomorrow worship. Man, i am still at my learning stage whereby a lot of things i still do not know. Have to keep on doing and learn on the way. I skipped cell group as i do not feel like going today. Maybe i am still in my emotional mood. So have to try to avoid everyone these few days. But i got an ang bao from the worship leader. Not a bad way to end the day in church. Does not make too much difference as i am going to give it as offerings. Have nothing to look forward to. Next week will have a lot of quizes and the pressure is getting the better of me. It does not push me forward instead it makes me feel so helpless. Feel like giving up everything. Where is the drive that i used to have? And i really going to be defeated by laziness. For 21 years it has been like this, is this my character which i cannot get rid of? Can someone give me any answer? Mayday Mayday.

Renewal

February 12, 2005
Ya ya ya. Yesterday was the first time that i did not update my blog. My mood was bad in a way so i did not bother to go and update it. For yesterday, i have sorted of in a way became the group leader for my project group. I still do not know why. Really hope to learn something from these foreign students. May the working experience be a joyful one. Went down to church for prayer meeting but in the end no one turned up. The instructions passed down were not clear at all. Some heard got and some said no. Was quite disappointed for the way that all things turned out for me yesterday. Bitterness started to gather in my heart. Then i wasted my whole night playing games instead of studying for my 4 -5 quizes next week. Time is running out for me but i do not seem to have the motivation to study. Help me, oh God.

Today is not a bad day for me. Lately my mind is confused and my heart is heavy and fearful. I do not know what i should do anymore. I am in a loss. In times, when my mind is confused, i can use my heart to guide me. And when my heart is fearful, i can count on my mind to make the most logical choice. At times, when both of them are malfunctioning, who can i depend on to find a way out? Yes, i can always lean on God and listen to Him for a way out. Be still and know that He is near. He will provide me a way when there is no way, to shine light in my life when it is darkness all around and carry me on His back when i cannot walk. I know in my life there are many cracks for the devil to use and turn me away from God. I need strength to resist the devil. I do not want to fight fire with fire instead i want to use the love from God to encompass all.

???

February 10, 2005

I need a new life. That is all i want to say.

New Year

February 9, 2005
I spent the whole of the first day of Chinese New Year at home. Most of the time on sleeping or i prefer to call individual body mantainance. Also spent sometime thinking about myself. The more i think, the more i do not understand myself. I feel like i am trapped inside a maze, one that i created for myself. The worst thing is i cannot get out of it. In real life, i feel that in order to protect myself from getting hurt, i have distanced myself from some people. I may seem to be very friendly but in fact i have no feelings. The feelings of pain and hurt seems to disappear from my life. I am not sure if i feel anything for anyone. At times, i do have feelings for others but i do not dare to let go of myself. I am not sure if i understand what i am saying here. There are just too many me inside myself. Life is so complicated. Why can’t it be much more simple like eating or sleeping?