Archive for September, 2006

Haiz

September 29, 2006
Went for my company function this evening. It was quite fun. Tried to get myself drunk to forget all the problems that i have. The more i tried the more sober i get. Apparently, God did not want me to be drunk. Indeed He has another plan for me. I got to know a NUS student on the train ride itself. We were total strangers and we hit it off at once. He is a final year finance student. Well i am interested in that so we got a lot of topics in common. What a great blessing. I also did won the 2nd prize which is a $40 metro voucher though i prayed for first. Something happen in between or else first would be me. Still i give thanks. Maybe i should continue with …

Odd one out?

September 29, 2006
This feeling is weird
But am i the odd one out
Should i be in the equation in the first place at all
Maybe i am the one that is to be subtracted from the 3 elements
It’s hard
The two are so close to me
Is my first move wrong
Are my feelings wrong
Is it time for me to take a step back
For nature to take it course
It is a huge struggle for me
Yet it seems so right to do it
God, maybe You should make me to be a robot
At least without any feelings
So i can feel no pain or joy
I think i will be happier with it
If this is Your will
Who am i to resist
Who am i to object
Who am i to complain
Did i die on the cross
Did i carry the cross
Did i suffer the whippings
You did
Your love unfailing
Freely is Your grace
Great is Your mercy
Onto a sinner like me
No matter what
God, i will still love You
I will still love her
I will still love him

Wrong idea???

September 29, 2006
Normally when a woman told a guy that she does not want to give any wrong ideas and stuffs like this, the guy will feel a bit disappointed. But what you wonder why they said ‘Love is blind’? Actually this kind of message when being heard by the guy who is in love. It could only mean 2 things. One is that the woman is not interested in relationship or him now and two it means he has to keep on trying. Therefore, this kind of message will generally means nothing to the guy unless he decides to give up or the other party does something very drastic.
Anyway this is not for me to think about now. 2 more days left and the love to love God is coming back. Growing stronger by the day that it has overtaken my feelings for her now. During these few weeks of being in a bad stage of my spiritual walk with God, i know i will bounced back even more. I have learnt how certain people feel. I was in their shoes for these few weeks. It made me go through their emotions, feelings and thinkings. I know clearly where my purpose is right now. To be out there in the finance world, to show to the rest that being a christian is much more than going to church on sun and taking up ministry post. There is just something deeper. We have to put aside ministry and see what is our relationship with God. After all, our life is not defined by how much we do but how close is our relationship is with God. What does it mean to say ‘Faith without works is dead and works without faith is also dead’? For too long we have been defining the meaning of ‘works’ to be things that we are doing that is related to the kingdom of God directly. Such as being in the ministry, preaching the gospel or even helping others in need. However we are called to be the salt and light of this world. So ‘works’ should not be just restricted to all these. Instead every little things that we do are considered works for God. No matter whether is it just photocopying, running an errand or …. Every decision we make must be in tune of what God wants. This is what i think ‘works’ are. Do things in such a way that you have faith in God to use that little thing that you do to impart other’s lives.
Anyway, this is just my two cents worth of thoughts.

Fight

September 28, 2006
I realised that for myself that i am sometime a weakling. Most of the time i go down before a fight. This is unusually true in matter of the heart. Whereby i am afraid of trying my best, i do not take my stand and just fade away. Maybe i am too afraid of losing. Is it my pride that is stopping me? Am i those who cannot take failure? These are all true in the past but not now. I have decided to try my best for this and if i fail. at least i have overcome myself. I will not go into the night without a fight. I will fight on, I will survive. I will get past this barrier on relationship. Maybe my feelings for Lisha has hurted me too much, then i am afraid to get close without confirmation from the other party. I am an overcomer.

4 more days

September 27, 2006
Will i be able to get back up on my feets in another 4 more days? Will i be able to run freely by then? Will i be able to be overcome all these problems? There is just so many ‘Will i’ but i believe God can help me. This is the deadline for me to break out of my cocoon and spread my wings and fly freely. The time of isolation must come to an end. Decisions must be made. Stand must be taken. The time is coming. Am i ready for it?

Heartache?

September 27, 2006
Well, in another few hours, she will be leaving this company. Will miss her a bit cos without her, i will be staring only at the EXIT sign, which is kinda of bored. How many more months before i am really walking toward the EXIT sign in actual term. Haiz. What does the future holds for me? Am i coming back or drifting away? At times, i really wish for the feeling of walking down the beach with ….. to enjoy the sunset and the cool breeze. To have a heart to heart talk with each other. This battle i will not know the results until …….. Sometimes i ask myself why am i fighting so hard for? On the other hand, i can’t control my feelings for her. This is the stubborn part about me on relationship. Once i really give my all, it will really be all. No holding back on my side. To be able to love a person once truly and fully, i think that’s enough for me.

We are not nothing

September 26, 2006
Please do not tell us ‘IA student’ to do those stuffs that you cannot finished. We are not here to clear up your mess. We are here to learn and to enjoy being an engineer next time in our career. So does it make more sense to give us jobs that will benefit both of us and not only you and you alone. We are already suffering from the peanut allowance which most of them are paid by ourselves and not you. Does it make sense to pay ourselves and do the shitty jobs for you? You are not value adding us at all. Only saving money and time on your side. At the end of the day, we still have to submit a report back to school. So what you expect us to write? Data entry, photocopying or scanning? These are works which we should NOT be doing all the times. Once in a while, it’s ok but please do not take advantage of us. Value adding is the key to everything. If one has no value at all, one is practically useless in eyes of the world. Only God will accept you but not this world. It is just too practical. A world without love, lacking of emotions and deprive of hope. This is the reason why Jesus came and died for us. Therefore do not make use of our times here to help you do things without adding any values to us. We are the future of this world and your generation has passed away. What you are doing to us today, one day will be paid back in full with interest to your own children. Now you have a choice to make. Do you want this payment to be good or bad? What we are going through now, they are the ones who will be going through it in the future. What you have planted in our lives now, are directly affecting the future. Maybe we would not live to see the day cos there maybe no future at all, when the day of judgement comes. Then all things should fades away and there will be a new heaven and earth.

Strange???

September 25, 2006
At my workplace, there is another person leaving soon. The person will be the woman who is sitting just opposite me. Everyday we will see each other over our computers. We can see each other eye to eye if we just lift up our heads at the same time. Haha. And she is leaving this wed for a change of job. I wonder how life will be without her? Must get used to the feeling of not having anyone next time when i look over my computer. Anyway we do not talk to each other when we are in the office. It kinda of strange but we do talk over msn even though we can just see each other and maybe 60cm apart. This kind of secrecy is kinda of exciting. As if i am in same kind of movie scenarios whereby i am having a sercet affair in the office. I shall stop here cos it’s getting overboard. Haha. Finally just to let those nosey people think more. She is only 3 years older than me.

Passion

September 25, 2006
I have never been so passion about something before except on my relationship with God and BGR. The next in line will be my passion will be in the stock market. I like being in that area. It is just so me. It almost define my whole character. All the knowledge that God has given me can be put to use there. Having said that it is not that i will be giving up my ministry just to do that. Somehow i have to ask God how to piece the 2 together. This is then the hardest part. People always used to say if your desire for God is great, you can always put down your passion and serve Him first. The problem here is that if this passion of mine draw me closer to God but will take away my time in those what i am doing for Him now. Then how to i resolve this issue? What truly is the path that i should take? This is the same reason why i like running so much. Everytime when i run, i try to break my own limit by going further and faster. Each time when i achieved that, i know it is by God’s grace and not by my strength. When i fail to reach that, i will rely on God even more. What is the fundamental of a Christian life? Is it just going to church? Is it just serving in the ministry? Is there something more and deeper to it?
The day when i am back to cell is the day where i will lay my cards down on the table.

Will i

September 24, 2006
Will i choose to stay if everything falls out in the end
To this question, i have no answer myself
Will i choose to hide and run away
Maybe and maybe not
Will i love God
YES