Archive for October, 2006

Unpredicated

October 31, 2006

Just received news that Daniel’s grandma will be having a heart bypass operation. Life is so unpredicatable. One moment you are fine and the next you are not. I heard that she has been hospitalised on sunday actually. The moment i heard that i knew that she was going to have an heart bypass operation. Just did not know that it will really come true 3 days later. All these while, i have been asking God “Why is there suffering on earth?”. What is the exact cause to this? There is a standard answer as many christians will give, which is sin. Is there something else? Something deeper? As i am looking back my life, i found that i am been blessed by God extremely. Though i am not rich but i have enough. My parents and siblings are all healthy. Somehow God has become a part in my life, though i may not be able to give all to Him now. But i could also not leave or forsake Him. I could not understand why some people can still choose to leave Him and denied Him? Isn’t God real to them the moment they accepted Him? If not, why did they choose to accept Him in the first place? I admit that most of the time i will disobey what the Spirit is telling me but does it mean that God is not real to me. Nope.

Tough week

October 31, 2006

This week is the toughest week of my life. Everyday seems to pass by so slowly. With each passing day, i am getting more nervous. What would i do and what i would say? Today the shuttle bus broke down and we have to share a cab to get to work which of cos will be paid by the company. On the cab, i heard something that is so close to my heart. “Even though over the years, i may have forgotten some stuffs but they are still the same to me deep down in my heart”. I always wonder if she knows about how i feel towards her. By end of this week, i will make a decision and tell the whole story. Thank You, Father for giving me strength.

Dream

October 30, 2006

I am under tremendous amount of pressure this week. Even i will dream of being late to catch my shuttle bus to work. It’s really a weird weird dream. I remember at the last phase of running to catch the bus. My mind wanted so much to run as fast as possible and my body is trying its’ best but something is pulling me back. It is slowing down my motions and i am fighting hard against it. Maybe the running part of the dream is trying to tell me something. For the first part, i got help from a bus which unexpectedly took me to a nearer location, followed by a few close friends of mine running together with me for the second part of my journey. The second phase was quite relaxing and i was running near my top speed without any efforts. For the last part, they were gone, heading towards another location by themselves. Thus i need to complete the last part of running by myself which was the hardest because of the drag force that i did not know where it came from. Time was running out for me and i had to overcome the drag force if not i will need to take a cab to work. The interesting part is that she was not there in my dream. The rest were there except her. Haha. The most strange thing about this dream was that i have woken up a few times but it just kept continuing from where i stopped until the whole dream is finished. So in the end, did i manage to catch the bus? I do not know if i did or not. My dream never reached till the ending. As far as i can remember, all of my dreams till now so far got an ending no matter good or bad except for this one, which i am totally clueless.

Sleeeeeepy Monday

October 29, 2006

This morning i almost could not open up my eyes. My brain still wan to continue sleeping but i know i am going to be late for work if i do that. So i just pulled myself out of the bed and went to wash up. That still do not stop me from my brain deadness. Luckily i have one hour to sleep during lunch time because i did not bring food here and i got no money with me, not even a single cent in my wallet. 

For yesterday, i have told Vincent that i will quitting the band. Will not be serving in the PA team anymore. It will be starting for next year. Meanwhile i will still be doing that up till the end of this year. I have to admit that it seems that i have backslided lately. To this question, i will leave it up to God to judge me for it. Whatever people think now will not be put into my considerations. Cos my salvation is based on Him, not on my works and certainly not on how people think of me. Only He knows my heart and what i am going through now. He sees all my pains, sorrows and my denial. In my heart, a fire for Him is still burning. Weak it seems but strong it burns. Small it be but mighty it stands. I know after this crisis of mine, i will be back stronger due to the grace God has showered upon me during this period of time. I need courage from You to tell her my feelings, strength from You to take whatever she tells me and wisdom from You to decide what to do next. Prepare our hearts, Father, not only mine but hers also. This is not just about me but also about her. All this i leave it into Your loving hands, my heavenly Father. 

Taking a break

October 28, 2006

I will be taking a break from band next year. So i am not serving as soundman for next year. Kind of a selfish act by me but i do not know. Because of this incident, i am getting tired and weary but there are still stuffs which i still have passion in. Maybe those areas which one are still able to serve in when one is having a difficult time are the true calling of one’s life. Still this is just my theory. Have to find proofs from the bible first. Because of her i want to be in the band last time. Now i want to do things because of God alone. I want to lay aside my personal feelings and redefine where i need to head to. If she read this blog of mine, i hope she knows she’s the one and what i am talking about. If not, then so be it, so be it. All will come to a pass soon. I have no regrets knowing God in my life cause i know my salvation is based on Him alone. He alone is mighty to save. If i can just leave this country, i will do that at the first chance i have. If i can’t leave the country, there is always something i can choose to leave. Solitude is waiting for me. Haha

What would i do?

October 26, 2006

Had a chat with Lifen who is over at Japan now. I am glad that we are still staying in close contact. Hoping that she will come back soon so i can see if she will get me anything from Japan. Haha. Told her about my problem and she kind of prepare me for the worst situation. She asked me what would i do if ‘she’ says “We are better off as friends”? I gave her my answer on what i will do and she did not agreed with me in doing this. But i feel it’s the right thing to do. Normally i will ask Gemi on this kind of matter but this time round i can’t do that. My decision is not based on emotions or feelings but it’s the wise way out.

October 25, 2006

Nothing for me to do at all. Therefore here i am updating my blog. This morning i had a scare when i reached my office. I thought someone has stole my mouse ball away. Since like those stuffs that in my times, we as a primary school kids would do. That time got no optical mouse yet. So mouse balls were extremely valuable. But now, i do not see any values in them, maybe a little. Lucky it was not stolen but dropped out. If not, i can’t even use my com at all. My supervisor is not here today, actually those who can give me work to do are not around. So what can i do? Read some books. Haha. Just one week and 2 days to go. I never love someone so deeply before. Still i do not fancy my chances. Maybe i am not the type that she likes. Nevertheless, i will not give up without a fight. God, if You are there, please guide my path.

One day Batam trip

October 24, 2006

It was quite fun for the one day Batam trip. Went with Xavier, Vincent, Gemi, Jana, Vida, Celeste, Liyun and uncle Wen Zhao they all. Since i can’t go the year end retreat so i better go now and take a look.  Enjoyed myself because of some reasons. I enjoyed eating the seafood. Haha. But came back owning Gemi $4.80. No problem for me. At least, i am only in debt to her. Haha

Drifting king

October 22, 2006

I feel like i am the drifting king today. Not the initial D drifting techniques but my mind drifting off to other stuffs. I do not know why i find it so hard to focus on work today. My mind is not on my work at all. A lot of stuffs keep coming in and flood my thoughts. Trying hard to stay afloat. Maybe i can’t pass this time round. If it is so, then i will choose to leave for 1 year. It maybe the best way out for me. Too often in the past i am without any feelings but this time i am full of it. Can i switch back to my logical self again? Do not think so. The process is irreversible. I may not be able to feel how much Jesus loves me 100% but i certainly can feel how Jesus feel when His loved ones choose to reject Him. Not being able to be with the ones you loved is a painful thing. If she is waiting for someone, does she knows i am waiting for her too?

Bad start

October 22, 2006

Did not had a good start for the day as i spent more time putting on my contact lens that usual. Then need to run to catch 2 buses. Praise God that i still managed to catch them at the very last minute. Forgot to bring my hp out though. So it will be useless to contact me for today unless by msn. Or else i will be uncontactable. Tomorrow will be my batam trip. First time going there. Did not plan to go in the first place but still change my mind anyway.

Come to think of it i have tried many sports in the past. Such as soccer, basketball, badminton, hockey and others. But my favourite is still soccer. Though i like playing the other sports too but nothing gives me the total enjoyment like soccer. Winning a tackle or scoring a goal. I know i would not be able to stay away from soccer, the attraction is just too strong. The only way is to leave and isolate myself from soccer. If not, my feelings will still be there. There is nothing i can do to stop myself. It is just part of my character. I cannot make the choice for myself to stop playing. The only choice i can make is to be away from it as far as possible. If not i will feel uncomfortable if people are playing it and i am not. For people who understand, i think they will know what to read in between the lines.