Archive for November, 2006

Not months but weeks

November 30, 2006

A moment ago, someone asked me how many months do i still have at CWRP. Then my reply was 3 more weeks before i will be leaving this place. Finally the time has come in terms of weeks and not months. I wondered when will it be down to days. Looking back at the time i spent here for the past few months. I realised i do have a bit of feelings for this place. Looking at how the buildings are coming to shape. From a sandy road to a tarred road, i feel a part of here. I wondered does God feels the same way too? When He sees us changing everyday and He is there to witness and guide us through all these times. At times, i do not know what has happened to me during these past few months. It feels as if i lost a part of my memory. I have forgotten the reason why i choose to leave the fellowship. Suddenly the cause i can think about is not sufficient enough for me to make this choice. Coming back again, i seems to be comfortable with where i am now and again nothing is strong enough to make me move. Maybe a promise that i have made to someone that i will be back is enough to move me. But Lord, i want to run and not just move. That promise alone is not enough for me to run but only You and You alone can make me run. Father, i am living a lukewarm life now. It’s really a torture to me. Holding my beliefs as a christian yet living for the world. Neither totally for You nor the world. I do not understand why people still want to choose this path. Let me be either for You or for the world. I do not want to be in the middle. I see some people who have been here and made the choice. Cos they do not want to be lukewarm either. Most of them choose to be cold. Jesus, i want to be hot for You but my strength alone is not enough. Move me, Holy Spirit, in the direction where You want me to be. Guide me out through this wilderness, to the throne of the Father.

A Saviour’s Love

November 29, 2006

I’ll sing a song of a Saviour’s love

I’ll sing a song to God above

You are God, my King

You alone are God

You deserve the glory of my praise

 

Tell me dear Lord, of what is important in life. My eyes are losing sight of You, my heart is distancing itself from You and my life is not in You. Draw me back to You, Lord. Help me to be back on my feet again. Bring me to greater heights. Soaring like the eagle above the storms.

Why?

November 28, 2006

My prof called me up yesterday to ask me if i got permission to put up the permit in my report and i just told him yes. Then he made a told me my IA report was quite well done. It made my day a bit happier. Took only 4-5 days for this report of mine and it was done during office works which means nothing was done at home. I do not think he is coming down for the second visit anymore so i will not need to write my logbook. Which is good cos i never wrote anything inside at all. Father, i cannot fathom this love of Yours to me. Even when i am treating You like this, living my life in lawlessness. How can You still be so good to me? I know this love of Yours is not based on what i do but it is Your nature. My mind just could not comprehend this love of Yours.

From today onwards, i will switch on my ultimate saving mode. As i plan to go Japan next dec to look for Lifen over there before she quits her job. Because if she quits, then my free lodging will be gone. Haha.

Boring Day

November 27, 2006

Someone at work has taken my milk and drink without my permission. Hard to find out who was it, just hope that he/she would not do it again. I really hate it when such things happen though i am not angry about it. Not going to brood over this issue anymore. Lunch costs me $2 today. I wondered how the person at the cashier charges? Last week, i ordered less stuffs but it cost me $2.70 and today’s one a $2. Anyway thank God for the saving. Such a nice weather to sleep for today. How i wish i can go home immediately and KO all the way. 4 more weeks to go. Endure… 

Shocked

November 27, 2006

At the end of my day, i got a shocked question from Lifen when i asked her if she and her boyfriend are still together. I got no time to ask her for more details when she asked me that. Will clarify with her next time round when i chat with her again. Never expected that. Haha

Random thoughts

November 26, 2006

Working life always give me some random thoughts. It’s pretty interesting to see how people behave at work. They are just so different. It’s hard for me to get to know them on a 1 on 1 basics as my time here is short. 3 more weeks here then i am gone. Back to study again. I do not know if i love it or hate it. Just the trip to and fro is enough to make me hate it but the life of studying is so good. Without cares and worries. With myself to answer to only. Next year i will be leaving my sat free. For me to clear all my works. I do not want to have anything on for sat. No church, no outings, no shopping or anything else. If anyone is waiting for me to be back on sat, then i’m sorry. Maybe once in a while i will meet people for dinner and that should be all. The last thing i want is for people to come and tell me what i should do. Why can’t they come with a message of love?

Changes

November 26, 2006

Make a little change to my blog. Not all will be able to spot the difference. Maybe none at all. Haha. This morning i have 2 thoughts coming into my mind. First will be that i do not understand why people keep calling me to help out. Serving is the last thing i wanted to do now. No one is indispensable to God in ministry. Or should i say God does not requires any particular one of us to serve Him. It should be done out of a willing heart. The heart of serving Him for His glory. The problem now is that most people are like me who are not willing to serve anymore or do not see the need. The ideal situation should be people should be begging for the chance to serve instead of keep being ask to serve. This canonly happen to lovers. People who are so in love with God are then able to put everything down just to serve. Father, i wish to be totally in love with You. I do not want to serve for anything else except my love for You. If i am not serving because of love, then i would rather not choose that path. I do not care how people look at me anymore. All their views will be accounted as nothing to me. Even if i am perceived as a backslider now, i also would not care at all. For this past 6 months, i have been waiting to experience Your love. Ever since the day You placed this word in my heart, i have been waiting… Waiting for the day to come. In Hosea, it spoke of Your loyal love, the love that surpasses all the sins that Israel has committed that You are willing to bring them back to You once again. Why is Hosea the only one that You have called to take a wife that will be a harlot to show this love of Yours? This thought came into my mind that maybe Hosea was one who will be willing to obey all Your commands but he was still lacking at the knowledge of Your vast love. In order for him to understand and feel this love of Yours, then a wife You have called him to take. With the sufferings and pains he had to go through with such a wife and to the extend of redeeming her back, he will have feel this love of Yours towards Your people. To know love is never to understand but experience. Anyway, this is just my two cents worth of thoughts.   

Rain

November 25, 2006

At this period of time, sound is the last thing that i wanted to touch. Since there is not enough people doing sound in church so i have no choice but to go down. Last time i do enjoyed doing sound but now i am going into the stage of too technical. So i really do not want to touch it. Not the feeling that i wanted. Was walking in the rain today on my way to church. If the rain could wash all my problems and doubts again, i would gladly choose it. If it could not, i will still choose to walk in the rain. Been sometimes since i walked in the rain. The last time when i did that was during the Terry Fox run. As the rain fall on me, i enjoyed the feelings. My clothes seems to be dry but my body is wet with the rainwater. Just like i appeared to be fine but the wounds are still there. It will take time for it to recover. How i wish to go to someplace where there is warm. To dry off the rain from me. Bit by bit i forgot how she looks like. Even her name. Soon i will not be able to remember her anymore. I would not be surprised if i ask for her name next time. Time to let go as it is not meant to be. Today i’m glad that Prudence asked me to stay for cell but why is she the only one to do that? This i could not understand. Do not ask me if i am staying instead ask me to stay will be a better choice. Should i really leave for a while?

Dead tired

November 24, 2006

I’m so tired and sleepy today. Went down early in the morning to NTU to hand in my report then lunch with Jane and unexpected Grace Ho joined us, as she went down to NIE to collect notes. Haha. Found out more about others. Quite a nice time for lunch. Wanted to add me Huifen to my list of appointments for today. But last minute her boss is driving her down so she is having lunch with her boss. But that’s ok cos our chat was quite long. Took the train back with Liyun and this is the first time that we chatted for so long. Used to have a generation gap with her since hardly in contact with her. It turned out to be alright. Up next will be Jiajia, my long time pri school friend. Still the same old her. Jiajia liang cha. Haha. Come to think that when i was in pri 6, all the people sitting in front, their names got to do with drinks or foods. Got to know one of her friend too but cannot remember what’s her name. The addias sale got nothing much to buy unless i ran the marathon last year. Instead popular sale turned out to be a grab. A lot of offers. Going to rest and rest and rest…

What a surprise

November 23, 2006

I got my activities lined up for tomorrow. Afternoon go back school, hand in report and my assessment form. Meet Jane for lunch and then meet Jia Jia to go expo sale and see see. Though no money to buy any stuffs now. But still can window shop. It’s been how many years since i last saw Jia Jia. Her info was i’m still staying in bedok. So must be near to 3 years. Used to stay close to each other around the same area. By the way, she is my primary school friend. I still wondered will i have a chance to meet Pei en again? Not from the same class but used to take bus together. One of the few who i missed that are not my close friends. I wonder why she so readily agreed to come out this time round? Can’t get her the last few times. Now she is like working and working all the way. No stable job yet. Doing those part time jobs. Tomorrow i can find out more from her. See what she’s up to for the last 3 years. Cos did not saw her for our primary school gathering for the last few times. All should be revealed tomorrow.