I was supposed to catch a movie with Meini this evening but i changed it to thursday last minute cos i got lesson. This time i have mixed feeling of whether should i step into a relationship. I would say that my chance are high if i am to try for it. Somehow i feel i have reached a stage whereby i cannot feel love or hate anymore. My feelings to all things are neutral, it is like numb. It will be unfair to her in a way. There are too many considerations at the back of my mind. The worst thing that i ever want to do is to break her heart. In the past, when i came across such issues, i tended to be emotional. After so much lessons in life, this is the first time i am thinking in a logical manner. There are too many ‘what if’ that are holding me back. I can help alot of people solve their problems when they are in a relationship. For God’s sake, i cannot help myself on this issue of to start or not. God has always been on my mind when i think about issue such as this. For people who do not know God, they will not be able to understand my thinking and what i am going to do in the future. The only love that i still can feel in my heart is for God, it is the only thing that will bring me to tears. How can i expand this tiny spark that is left to those people out there? I really cannot feel a thing for them anymore. Somehow or rather i have accepted the fact that life is just like this. This heart of mine is fast turning into a heart of stone, if there is one part that is still beating then that will be for God and no one else.

Even if it is me, i too cannot accept the fact that how can a person has love for God yet none for others. But the very fact remains this way in me. Maybe my love is not deep enough. Maybe i am too self centered. Maybe i just want to protect myself from the hurts of loving people. Maybe and maybe …


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