Archive for December, 2008

Spoken

December 28, 2008

Today i have spoke to my mentor about my usage days. I really cannot take the testing on sunday so often. Finally, i decided to email my prof and tell him the situation which i also cc to my mentor before breaking the news to him. I think it is quite effective cos i see changes on the same day. I heard from my mentor that back in China their studying hours is like from 8am in the morning till 10pm at night. I do not know how they survive over there. But it cannot work over there with this kind of system cos it is not wholesome. Just by studying along and not developing other aspects of a human being is not healthy. At least, this is one improvement between me and my mentor.

Restarting at zero

December 22, 2008

Been almost 1 year plus since i stopped serving and attending church reguarly. There are some on and off periods but nothing more than that. Before i knew it, i just sunk deeper and deeper into the depth of hell. Everything around me was being affected. Just did not want to care about anything anymore.

Yet, it has allowed me to look back at the past 7 years of my life as a christian. The burden, the pain that i have before i knew Christ. I never gotten a chance to resolve them. Never fully understand why i accepted Him even i know He is the Savior. Partly was because of the need to find a place whereby i will be accepted and make new friends. The other was for her.

Before i knew it, pride has crept inside me. Hiding itself in the darkest of my heart. I cannot say for sure that everything i did was for Him, as i knew that some were for my own pride and fame. Yes, even in my quest to know more was to quench my curiosity and show to the rest that i know more than that. Maybe that was the part of the reason that Christ was on my lips. I do share the same feeling as Paul when he said he was the chief of the sinners. Branded myself with the tag of self righteousness.

Never really saw the extend of His grace and mercy. That has taken away the passion of sharing the good news with those around me especially my parents.

This year of being down and beaten really makes me saw the worst of me. How low can i stoop as a human being? It was up to the stage whereby i cannot believe that this is me. At that point, what can i based on pride on, where can i tag my self rightousness? There is all but nothing.

In life, we never got too many second chance and even rarer in the case of mine. For once, i am amazed by His grace. Because of this, i know where i am heading next. Now i know it will not be for acceptance; not for pride; not for self rightousness; last of all not for her but only for Christ. My faith, my works and my thoughts shall be based on Him alone. With this, i pray that this moment will be a start whereby i receive a new spirit and heart from Christ.

I never felt such a strong yet calm stirring of emotions within me. Time is running out maybe for me. For those around me, do hold me accountable if i do not reflect Christ in my daily life in terms of words, actions and thoughts.

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December 22, 2008

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Where lies the line

December 16, 2008

Was thinking on the issue of piracy where on 179 today. What is considered piracy? Many said that it is wrong to download music and movies from the internet as it is considered as piracy. Because whoever is uploading them are not given the rights to do so. Then what about the instances whereby we borrow from our friends cds and burn them inside our desktop for our listening purpose? Is it not considered piracy too? As our friends also do not own the rights to distribute the music.

Is the line based on the number of people or is it based on the action itself? Why do people think it is wrong for others to upload music onto the web and it is right for us to lend our friends music cds to burn? Are not both of them wrong just that the amount of people involved are different? In both cases, the uploaders/lenders have the original version but the downloaders/borrowers do not have them.

So how do people really drawn the line?

Summing up

December 14, 2008

To sum up what happened the past few days.

All 3 days of mine have FYP included in the daily program. Haiz. Visit Quan Gui after school on friday after i saw WL sms that he had bumped into him at CGH. So just went down and take a look to see if it is all right. Apparently i was the only one who went down among the groups of sec school friends. Sad to say, i was one of those who do bullied him back in our sec school days. But as one grows up, we do change our ways for the better. Those were the days whereby we tended to pull other down so that we will be high up. The way how the society is built to be.

Now when i see him, it is another kind of feelings. I do plan to ask him for his forgiveness for what i done in the past. It is just a passing thought that humility needs to be learn step by step. Asking others for forgiveness is always important even though i know that i am forgiven in Jesus’s eyes. It is to put ourselves down not only before God but also before men. Thus this is one thing to i resolve to do before i step into the next year.

Sat will be the sec school end of year dinner. Quite a lot of fun and laughters to see ‘old’ friends. More and more of them getting rid of their single status. I am one of the few who is still with it. If i said i am not bothered by it then it will be fake. But i do not think there is any around me who i will go after. Or is it me who is turning cold? Haha. But it is alright.

Finally for today, it is Alan and Steph wedding lunch. Missed their ceremony at church yesterday morning so i tried to make it down for today. May my Father bless this marriage of theirs. Not much stuffs just the usual but the video was quite creative.

Shall end of here. till then…

FYP

December 11, 2008

This week is all about FYP. In fact, this whole holiday is all about it. Boring boring boring. Must reach school at 9, what the heck. Why my mentor cannot cut me some slack? I do not see the rest of the FYP students coming to the lab at all. Even if they come, it is also around lunch time. Haiz. Again, he swapped the equipment usage dates with other people without asking me if i can make it. Because of this, i will miss Alan and Steph’s wedding on sat. Seriously it pissed me off. Let it be done soon and get me out of there. Sometime i really wish to have a change of mentor or rather do it on my own. But it could be worse than this. In the midst of all these, i must find something to give thanks to. Tomorrow i will not be able to join my 4011 ppz for lunch. Sad. That might be the last time that i will be seeing them. Oh well…

Random…

December 5, 2008

Watched some korean dramas lately and it made me have some random thots. How a hero becomes a zero. I think in history has shown us enough evidence from some people who became a zero overnight. There are some people who used to be a hero in people’s eyes when they were fighting for their causes. The people acknowledged them and this made them rise to power. Yet once they are in power, some of them change their nature. It can be said that power corrupted them and they tried all means to have more. Immediately their goal changes from people to themselves. That is when the ‘H’ is changed to a ‘Z’. Some even want to path a way for their children so that the family will be able to hold onto that ‘power’. It is really the right way for things to be done in this way?

No matter what, power play often involved a class system. It will not be changed because those who are in power need to be in control of something and it is always people. To be greater than all the rest. No matter how great a power people hold, it always can easily be toppled. However, we often lack courage and being grasped by fear. Because of this, it gives the class system a firm foundation to build on.

I often think of this theory. What if one day, all the poor people decide to stop work and choose to die instead of working for the rich? Then it may come to the case whereby the middle class have to take up the roles of the poor and if the situation repeats itself. It will come to the point whereby there is no difference in the rich and the poor. In practical, this cannot be achieved because of human survival instinct that we will do whatever it take for us to live on. Sadly but true, the rich will get richer and the poor will remain where they are.

A simple illustration of how fear can grasp people’s heart and give rise to power play. Let said if 10 people are trapped on an island and they are all strangers. If one of them managed to instill fear into the heart of a weaker one. Then immediately, they can form a people of party of 2. If the rest are still on their own, looking after their own benefits. Then these 2 can convert the second weakest one into their party, forming a 3 people party with the first to start the head. And this will carry on until all the other 9 are under the control of the 1 who starts. Unless in the process of forming, the rest of them form a party of 6, then it will be able to render the first party of which will only have a maximim of 4.

Because the controlling factor is only fear in the party of 4, it will soon be left with only 1 because there is a greater fear in play by the other party.

If not, then all the rest of the people can choose to die instead of listening to the one, the end result will be the one surviving. Thus giving him nothing to gain.

When we look at the 3 different scenarios, the first will be a win-lose, second will be a lose-win and third will be a lose-lose. No matter what, the moment we give in to our greeds or fears and try to do something to others. There will never be a win-win situation for both parties.

Of course, i maybe wrong but this is just my randoms thots…

World AIDS day

December 1, 2008

Today is the world AIDS day. For those who do not know AIDS, it is the name for the late stage of HIV. The way people view those who have AIDS is still very outdated. Not to mention some medical professional people who should have knowledge on AIDS but still act like those who are ignorance of them. Basically it is still the fear of death that strike into the heart of those people which make them act the way they are acting. It is really amusing to even think that people will try all sorts of thing to avoid death but still unable to overcome it. No matter what we do, we will die one day. Some who are healthy may die earlier than those who have incurable illness.

It is really confusing to me how people think. Instead of fearing death itself which we could not do anything about it, why not use our resources to help those who are dying and in need? We only strive to live a comfortable life, to be better than those around us and often vying for power. Even if we have the whole world, what good will it do to us? The moment the clock strikes, everything will be gone before we know it. All those things which we think we can enjoy for ourselves become unreachable in an instant.

Little by little i being to understand a tiny bit of how King Solomen. What is it to have power and riches beyond comparision yet it is in vain. Not that i have achieve what he had but just the feeling of trying all means to just to get what i desire and to find that it is all in vain.

We do not live forever yet forever we shall live.

In the past, i often how this thought about why a cold blooded murderer can go to heaven if he accepts Christ just before he dies. I am unable to understand the depth of grace that Christ has for us. For a thinker like me, i will most probably think that if i plan to kill someone else and then before i die i pave a way for myself to accept Christ so that i will be able to go heaven after i die, is not it a win-win situation for me? Therotically, it sounds possible but in practice it will not be. If there is pre-planned that most likely, there will not be any remorse and a change of heart for that person. How does it feels like to know and accept Christ, only God and that person will know. It is something that cannot be fake or plan by ourselves. But once you truly accept, you will know how it feel like.

Finally, it will be on a theory that i am thinking about. A few weeks back, i saw a message on my friend’s wall saying that ‘do not be sad, You are so pretty sure you will be able to get a better guy than him’. At first, it looks logical and right but when i thought for a bit more. I find that this sentence is a bit wrong. That person is just equating looks = to finding a better partner in life. If that is true, then in the first place it will hold instead of fail. And secondly, it will also mean as the woman ages, there is a high chance that the guy will leave her. Of course there are many other factors involved in a relationship, such as characters, families, friends, one’s past and hobbies.

What i really i want to drive across is that, those who are blessed with looks may also be cursed with more hurts from failed relationships. One basic assumption that i will make here is that humans are visual animals. If a person has good looks, then there is a higher chance of attracting people who place looks more than other factors, which means if there is a better looking one coming along plus a few temptations, the relationship will fail. That is often why the chances of a relationship moving on to the stage of marriage is lower for those who are blessed with looks than those who are not. They need more relationships in order to reach that stage, whereby those who are not good looking will hit it in the first or second relationships. The difference will be based on two factors, one is the type of person that you attract and the second is the first attraction factor. The first factor is self explainatory which i shall skip it. For the second factor will be that if your partner decides to go into a relationship with you, for those with looks will be mainly based on looks but those without will be based on the inner beauty that he/she is able to see in you. Because of this, the relationship will be stronger because inner beauty will grow with time instead of fading away like a flower. 

In most cases, outer beauty kick start a relationship before moving onto inner beauty to sustain it but joyful are those who look beyond the outer into the inner at the start. Above will be based on the assumption that you do not have a change of heart instead of your partner.