Archive for December, 2009

In Fear

December 31, 2009

It has been a long time since i blog in short intervals but taking the time while i am waiting for her to knock off and write this post. For me, i just stepped into my second romantic relationship of my life with her 3 months ago. Honestly speaking, it is tough as i do not know what to do and expect. I must admit that at times my love for her is selfish if i look from her perspective. This is the part of me that i need to change. I do not have any model of relationship to base on except my first. Because of this relationship with her, it reminds me of how my first relationship ought to be. I often question myself if i am loving with all my heart for my first relationship. I want to love with all i am and be in awe.

Yet at times, i failed. It do upsets me when i could not love as i want to. I do pray for strength, grace and love to be able to love with all my heart for the first. Because i know that without Him, i am unable to love Him at all. I am really scared that my love for Him is not real. Father, please help me to love You with all i am. Do not let me be apart from You. At times, when i am weak, when i fail You. I pray for Your grace to cover me, to forgive me and draw me back to You side once again. I really do not know if my love for You is real cos my heart is deceitful because of sins but You know, Father, judge my heart according to Your will.

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Tired

December 29, 2009

I got a new laptop today at $1250. I think it’s nice and good. Haha. Hope can last me for another 5 years. But i got a call from her in the evening to ask me if can meet later on thurs. I was like what… Cos we settled on the days that we will spend together and now she wants to minus of our time together again. I know it’s urgent for her to do the banking thing so i offered to go down with her and will walk around until she and her brother have settled it then we go for our own stuffs. But she do not want it and said maybe they will go and look at some other stuffs after that. Seriously pissed off when i heard that. It is not i do not let her do her own stuffs but… Even if i give her a timing to meet like 3pm, she also will not be able to make it so what is the point of asking me for the time to meet so she can rush down when she is going to be late again. I really do not get it and i am getting tired of it.

Honeymoon period over

December 24, 2009

The title may sounds strange but it is true that the honeymoon period for my relationship is over. For the past month, we had a few so called ‘quarrels’ but i think it is normal in a relationship. Actually i do not really like quarrels because of some personal reasons. But i feel this is something i need to learn.  I do pray that God will teach me on how to handle a relationship. Sometimes our expectations of one another do crash but the crux is to pray and talk it out. But at times, i do feel the fiancial burden on me. It can get stressful at times but i do want to provide the best for her that is within my limit.

The future is not up to me or her but God.

Almost break up

December 5, 2009

I guess things for me finally reached the point whereby i almost could not take it. Had a long talk with her on wed and seriously i was on the verge of telling her that it is better for us to be apart. But i still left the decision to her and see what she wants to do with our relationship. How irony it is when the message for RPG on thursday was ‘Building a happy marriage’, that was why i smsed her and told her that i will like to give it another try for our relationship.

I never knew loving someone is so tough but after the talk on thursday we cleared things up and with God’s help, we are continuing our relationship. Truly without Him, things will be totally different.

The lesson for me is still on patience. Something which is lacking in my life right now and it is tough learning that.

I do pray Father that You will continue to be in this relationship of ours. Be the Head to guide it and preserve it. In our weaknesses, let Your glory be shown so that we can testified that it is You who make this relationship possible, not by our effort but by You alone.