Archive for January, 2010

Learning

January 29, 2010

A few days have passed since i attended Danny’s wedding and right now i am back in Medan again. For the past few months, i feel that God is molding me to have more faith in Him. Faith in those matters that mean a lot to me. To really commit all that i do to Him.

I am thankful that Judy has shown me a lot on this. She keeps telling me that she has faith in the Lord to oversee this relationship of ours and i trust in that too. I have been learning a lot from her on this lesson. As a matter of fact, we have been learning from one another in the Lord.

To be honest, till now i have still abit of fear of what He has in plans for me in China. A few years ago, 3 of us promised to spend at least 2 years of our next 10 years in China. I never expected us to spilt up and be in different churches now. But i am very grateful that God has brought me to a new church, somewhere i will be truly grounded in His words. It does pains my heart to see that some of them are still in the dark about the bible and it’s version.

I believe that VPP must stand if not how are we supposed to trust in Him who can only protect the general meaning but not every single letter and stroke. My God is not a God who went to sleep after putting the bible together. He is a God who can preserve it all the way till eternity. Do not trust others when they said that it does not matter which versions you use because the meaning are almost the same. It does matter alot in fact.

But that is just a sidetrack which is in my heart for quite sometimes. God has opened doors for me to go china and fulfilled what i have promised Him. This is not by my own strength but by His. I am nothing and there is nothing i can be proud of why i landed on this job except Him. He is my salavation all in all.

Psalm 42:1
“As the hart panteth after the water brooks,
so panteth my soul after thee, O God.”

As the deer panteth for the water,
So my soul longs after you.
You alone are my hearts desire,
And I long to worship You.

Chorus
You alone are my strength, my shield;
To You alone may my spirit yield.
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship You.

I want you more than gold or silver,
Only You can satisfy.
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye.

Chorus
You alone are my strength, my shield;
To You alone may my spirit yield.
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship You.

You’re my friend and You’re my brother,
Even though you are a King.
I love You more than any other
So much more than anything.

Chorus
You alone are my strength, my shield;
To You alone may my spirit yield.
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship You.

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What does it truly means to be …

January 20, 2010

For the past few days, i have thought about what does it truly means to be a disciple of Christ. Why i feel so powerless at times to my weaknesses and sins? Why can’t i just love Him abit more with my actions? I really question myself of my love for Him. If i truly do love God, why does not my actions show it? Why am i lacking so much in my life?

It is not that i want to be self righteous, because i know that He is my righteousness. The reason is because i want to be righteous and holy because i love Him. Am i unable to love You with all my heart? 

Father, please show me how to love You with all i am, consume me with Your love to the point where You are always on my mind.

Finite Love

January 16, 2010

All this while i always though that i will be able to love her just as how Jesus loves His church. This incident shows me that no matter what human love is always so finite that it will be impossible for us to love a person totally and completely.

Only with the love and help from God that we may be able to do that. Still, there will be times whereby our human nature or self centeredness will take over, depending on ourselves rather than God. More willing to trust what we see than the promise by God.

This is where i have failed to do, i am like the doubting Thomas who need prove to believe rather than believing in those yet to be seen. Life is like this, we fall, we repent and we walk again with our Father. Lessons can be painful but it is all for our own good.

Father, forgive me for not trusting 100% in You, for leaning on myself and believing only in what i see. Help me Lord to commit myself fully to You and trust in You in times of foes and darkness. I do confess that my heart, my mind and body are unclean in Thy presence. I do pray for the blood of Jesus to cover and wash away my uncleanness so that i may dwell in Thy court forever, beholding Thy grace and beauty.

耶和华坐着为王
洪水泛滥的时候
耶和华坐着为王
直到永远

耶和华坐着为王
狂风巨浪的时候
耶和华坐着为王
直到永远

耶和华超乎万民之上
祢的荣耀高过诸天
我赞美祢主耶和华
唯有祢 祢的名被尊崇

耶和华超乎万民之上
祢的荣耀高过诸天
我赞美祢主耶和华
祢的荣耀充满
在天地之上

耶和华必赐力量
耶和华必赐平安
我从深处求告祢
祢聆听

耶和华必赐力量
耶和华必赐平安
因祢丰盛的救恩
我仰望祢

Love

January 14, 2010

In my heart, i still do love her deeply. Yet it is because of this love for her, i cannot take it that both of us are not commincating often. Till now, i still cannot believe i chose to break up with her.

Father, do teach me and let me know if my understanding of love is right or wrong. Let Thy will be done for both of us.

Let’s break up

January 14, 2010

These are the words which i smsed her this evening. To me, a relationship needs to stay connected. But i felt that i am the only one who is pushing for communication here. It is really tough for me to be in love with her yet not connected. For me, i cannot do it, it is beyond my means. Maybe she needs only a minimum amount of communication but not for me.

So ya… This is the end of my story.

Something from my heart

January 13, 2010

Going to use this time and chance that i have to do a round up for what is inside my heart.

First of all, i need to thank God for sending me to Medan whereby i have friends from Singapore and people who are able to speak english around me. It is unlike my friend who is in Pekanbaru now where the people over there do not know how to speak english, alone by himself during lunch times and weekends for the next 6 months. I am really gladful to my Father in giving me this place. So far, i have been having lunch with one of the people from singapore and a group of rich chinese who know how to communicate in english as they went overseas to study. It is nice hanging out with them though i seldom speak. But it is better than eating alone by myself. Another of the singaporean will only be coming back here after CNY. Haha. I have spent alot in getting all the daily stuffs and most importantly internet. 80% of what i plan to spend monthly is gone and i need to survive 19 more days with the remaining 20%. Not totally impossible if i just eat lunch then bread for breakfast and dinner. Though i am earning quite ok but the burden of spending money is heavy because of her. But i am used to it cos i have been through worse days than these.

This afternoon when i made the painful and tough decision of not calling and giving her a time to rest, i think something in me changes. After last week of short duration on the phone because of her house moving and this week of postphoning our talk, i no longer feel like sharing much of my life with her now. It is almost up to the point of i do not really want to call her anymore and just continue what i have been doing of posting what is happening in my life on my blog.

What i really want is to share my life with someone who is interested in knowing. If she is not interested, then i do not see the point of making the effort in doing that. Of course, i will want to know what is going on in her life too. Just take this two days as an example, i was all ready to share what i been through here and done over the weekends but in the morning, she requested to postphone it to today because she needs to go and window shop for stuffs. Then i agreed to it. And this morning, she told me that she is tired because of lack of sleep so need to call her early so she can rest early, then it is ok with me. But in the afternoon, she suddenly said she needs to attend a wake service and can only talk after that. So i asked if she can chat for one hour and the answer is nope.

Then i knew it will be pointless for me to call today because she will not have the energy to share what is going on in her life as she will most likely wanting to end the talk early. Communication is always two way traffic, i hate it when it is only me who wanted to share and nothing much on her side. These two days of disappointment really kills off the joy of sharing in me. In order for me to stop sharing, i have to forcefully forget all that i wanted to say or else it is hard for me to take it. Because of the words that i wanted to say but no one to say it too. This is why secrets are hard to keep.

I have not tell her about all that i feel. Maybe tomorrow. Or never. I just want to let all these out by writing, if not i cannot take it any longer. But i really lost the feeling of talking to her on the phone after today. That part just died off the moment i made the decision of letting her have time to rest. It was so painful that my heart really felt the pain for a long time. Maybe tomorrow will be the last time i am talking to her on the phone because i am no longer looking forward to it anymore. Maybe i will look for someone else who is interested to hear my long story while at the same time sharing his/her own. If she does not have the time, then someone else will.

Coming to think of it, i feel like i am in her role in the relationship with my Father and i. It is time for me to do serious reflection and spend more time with Him. But at least, i share my life story with Him, just that i do not spend enough time listening to His.

Control

January 12, 2010

I got the same problem everytime when i am coming back to SG. I always demand alot from her when i am back or nearly back. This is one area which i need to keep myself in control and need lots of prayers.

I just have the feelings that sometimes she does not care. The main reason why i am frustrated today was that the timing for my flight is ok for her to pick me up but she does not want to because of her facial appointment. Where are the words that she told me the last time that she will wish to fetch me than send me off? Does she even have the intention of coming to fetch me in her mind? I can understand if she wants to make herself looks better for me but i will prefer her to skip that one and fetch me. Who would not?

The contributing factor to my flare up was someone asked me a ‘chim’ maths question and it caused me to have nightmares for a few nights until i kinda of solve it this afternoon. Seriously i hate maths.

Feelings

January 4, 2010

Typing this at the airport right now. Thank God that i managed to get a cab in less than 10 seconds this morning. The feeling of leaving Singapore is always heavy and also the thought of leaving her. I wonder if she is feeling the same of me leaving? There are many things in the future which we still do not know. All i can do is to leave it up to God cos only He knows it all. Honestly, i must admit that if i am not attached, this job will be so much easier for me to do. Now that i have her in my life and the fact that i love her make things so much more difficult. How do you leave a person you love behind?

Missed my flight

January 4, 2010

I cannot believe that for the first time in my life, i missed my flight. It was really crazy and not only that it was for work purpose. The only redemptive thing that i done was to settle everything myself before calling up for manager and told her about it. It is hard to blame anyone but myself for estimating that i can get a cab in 5 mins which dragged till 35mins later before i got one. It was really crazy plus the traffic jam near the school area. Madness.

Each time something crops up on the day before i leave, we will almost end up …. Because i will want to meet her at least for one more time but she will need to rest and do her own stuffs. This is one point which i must keep in mind of not meeting her anymore if something does crops up again.

Anyway i think i am $300 broke because i need to pay for the air ticket myself now. Haiz. Overspent this month plus this. Really took a toll out of my pocket.

Blessed

January 3, 2010

Once again, i will be leaving in a few hours time and i really cannot get used to this. But i thank God for her patience with me and her time that she put aside painstakingly just to spend time with me for these few days. I am very happy and touched by what she did. I felt that i am blessed to have someone like her in my life. There are things which i did not said it to her but it will always be in my heart of what she did for me. We managed to create many more memories during these few days and it will only be the tip of the iceberg of the many more to come.

Father, my one prayer will be for me to love You more. For You to teach me how to love her as my wife. Not by my own love and ways but by Yours.