Something from my heart

Going to use this time and chance that i have to do a round up for what is inside my heart.

First of all, i need to thank God for sending me to Medan whereby i have friends from Singapore and people who are able to speak english around me. It is unlike my friend who is in Pekanbaru now where the people over there do not know how to speak english, alone by himself during lunch times and weekends for the next 6 months. I am really gladful to my Father in giving me this place. So far, i have been having lunch with one of the people from singapore and a group of rich chinese who know how to communicate in english as they went overseas to study. It is nice hanging out with them though i seldom speak. But it is better than eating alone by myself. Another of the singaporean will only be coming back here after CNY. Haha. I have spent alot in getting all the daily stuffs and most importantly internet. 80% of what i plan to spend monthly is gone and i need to survive 19 more days with the remaining 20%. Not totally impossible if i just eat lunch then bread for breakfast and dinner. Though i am earning quite ok but the burden of spending money is heavy because of her. But i am used to it cos i have been through worse days than these.

This afternoon when i made the painful and tough decision of not calling and giving her a time to rest, i think something in me changes. After last week of short duration on the phone because of her house moving and this week of postphoning our talk, i no longer feel like sharing much of my life with her now. It is almost up to the point of i do not really want to call her anymore and just continue what i have been doing of posting what is happening in my life on my blog.

What i really want is to share my life with someone who is interested in knowing. If she is not interested, then i do not see the point of making the effort in doing that. Of course, i will want to know what is going on in her life too. Just take this two days as an example, i was all ready to share what i been through here and done over the weekends but in the morning, she requested to postphone it to today because she needs to go and window shop for stuffs. Then i agreed to it. And this morning, she told me that she is tired because of lack of sleep so need to call her early so she can rest early, then it is ok with me. But in the afternoon, she suddenly said she needs to attend a wake service and can only talk after that. So i asked if she can chat for one hour and the answer is nope.

Then i knew it will be pointless for me to call today because she will not have the energy to share what is going on in her life as she will most likely wanting to end the talk early. Communication is always two way traffic, i hate it when it is only me who wanted to share and nothing much on her side. These two days of disappointment really kills off the joy of sharing in me. In order for me to stop sharing, i have to forcefully forget all that i wanted to say or else it is hard for me to take it. Because of the words that i wanted to say but no one to say it too. This is why secrets are hard to keep.

I have not tell her about all that i feel. Maybe tomorrow. Or never. I just want to let all these out by writing, if not i cannot take it any longer. But i really lost the feeling of talking to her on the phone after today. That part just died off the moment i made the decision of letting her have time to rest. It was so painful that my heart really felt the pain for a long time. Maybe tomorrow will be the last time i am talking to her on the phone because i am no longer looking forward to it anymore. Maybe i will look for someone else who is interested to hear my long story while at the same time sharing his/her own. If she does not have the time, then someone else will.

Coming to think of it, i feel like i am in her role in the relationship with my Father and i. It is time for me to do serious reflection and spend more time with Him. But at least, i share my life story with Him, just that i do not spend enough time listening to His.

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