Archive for February, 2010

Red Bomb again

February 23, 2010

This morning i received a sms and it was a surprise to me, the sender was Meihui and she was inviting me for her wedding this coming April. The date that she chose for her wedding dinner is like so non chinese, 4th April 2010. Oh well, it must be something special to them.

Come to think of it, i never met her husband once before but i knew from her that he was the one who was behind her when she was still ‘bad’, supporting her and helping her back to the right path.

Anyway i told her to that i will get back to her next week. Some people when they invited long time never meet up friends for wedding dinner, their intentions maybe just to earn back the money for the dinner but i will like to think it in a positive way. I will prefer to have no doubts on them when they invite me and the only reason why they will choose to do that is that share their joy and happiness with me as they move on to the next phase of life. Truly i will love to give them my blessing as well.

I also got a sms from my ‘brother’ that he is switching jobs soon and will be working in Hourglass starting next month. So if i want to buy any watches can just approach him next time. Haha.

Been thinking of buying one small compact digi cam from my stay in Indo as i cannot take my dslr into the plantations. My ideal one will be LX3 but super exp or else it will be 200EXP. Or maybe i will just heck it and get a cheap pns one. See how is my budget when i am back in SG tomorrow.

Cooling down

February 21, 2010

Will be uncontactable for a few months and not going to check my emails or logging onto MSN.

Drop me a sms at my singtel line if and only if there is URGENT stuffs!!!

The end of my first relationship

February 20, 2010

As of 20/02/2010 at 9.50pm, Judy and i have broke up and yes we are unable to hit the 6 months time just by 48hours away.

Since our characters are so different, then it will be no point for us to stay on any longer in this relationship. I truly gave everything i could to it, holding nothing back.

I guess this is why life is meaningful, that you truly love once and live your life to the best. But i cannot stay as friends with her because of my love for her is so deep.

Like i said the Lord gives and He takes. If He wants this to end, then so shall it be. Staying as friends will make me hard to move on forward with life. Better to cut all ties then to linger away any feelings.

Can i trust her again?

February 19, 2010

The story is like this, when she asked me what do i want for Valentine Day present. I told her i wanted her to enjoy herself and also her pictures since she is broke to get me anything. So her reply was that she will pick out the nicer ones and pass it to me.

Thus when i was back the other time for my friend’s wedding, we celebrated V day earlier and when i asked her if she had prepared the pictures to pass it to me. She said ‘No’ because she was busy with all her stuffs and therefore no time to pick out the nicer pictures of hers. So i trusted her and be understanding towards her.

Furthermore, i asked her after that on our phone conversation if she will be passing the pictures to me when i am back the next time, she told me “Yes, after she has chosen the nicer ones”.

Moving on, we had a quarrel a few days ago when i said something tactlessly and when i mentioned that i was disappointed of not receiving her pictures the last time round, she told me that she is not comfortable of giving her pictures to others including her family members.

Yesterday, i told her that one of my friends commented on her that she seems to be the stubborn type. And her reply was that she is stubborn on the sense that she will stand firm on what is biblical and right. Later on in the afternoon, i posted her the question of will she still pass me her pictures, her reply is no. She said she did not want to disappoint me in
the first place and now it caused even more disappointment.

Right before all these, i have told her clearly that never promised me anything that she is unable to fulfil because i will rather be disappointed at the start then having the expectation and end up with more greater disappointment. I also asked her before that is white lie considered a lie? She told me it is and she cannot accept it, if there is nothing to hide, why lie.

But from yesterday, i realised that my trust on her is being betrayed when i am totally honest to her and yet she is doing what she does not like on me. She rather choose to let what she said be a lie instead of giving in and passing me the pictures which shows her stubbornness and another point to show that her clarification on her stubbornness is also a lie too.
At times, i feel she is always using her business as an excuse and expecting me to forgive her on not doing sometthing and be understanding. The pictures are a small issue but it is the lying part that really hurts me.

I know that if there are differences in the relationship, it can be resolved by each taking a step back. But when honesty is missing, i feel that nothing can be done about it. How i can trusted her again when she is the one who has double standard and not truthful, just wanting to drag the issue as long as possible till time makes it fades away?

I seriously need some advices because i have suffered much pain before from my good friends lying to me when i am truthful to them, now the one i love did the same thing to me.

Yours truly,
Steward

True Forgiveness

February 17, 2010

Before i touched on this topic, i just wanted to update that because of the quarrel, this relationship maybe ending soon. I got another article on that but i just want to type this out before i forget.

There is a saying ‘Forgive and Forget’ and people keep using this phrase to teach others how to forgive. After this incident, i realised what true forgiveness really means.

In minor cases such as quarrels, there maybe one is right and one is wrong, both are wrong, both are right or half half. But no matter, as long as the words you used hurt the feeling of the other party even if you are in the right. And if you harbour any ill feeling or thoughts toward the other party. You must also seek forgiveness from the other party.

True forgiveness does not just mean that you who maybe in the right accept the apology of the other party and forget about the whole issue. Instead, you must likewise seek the forgiveness of the other party for the words you have used, feelings and thoughts. There must be a reconciliation from both parties instead of one sided. Only in that way, can it be considered true forgiveness.

So i end here. Maybe i will add on and post what i have written this afternoon.

Today is one of the day whereby i made one of the most peaceful decisions in my lifetime. I gave her the choice of whether to continue our relationship or not. Because i will be selfish if i am to make her wait for 3 years and in the end we are not meant for each other in God’s eyes.

Yet, i am not saying that it was a mistake from God that we are together in the first place. I believe everything has it’s purpose and it is all for the glory of God. We will make mistakes but never for my Father.

In 5 days time, it will be our 6th month together and i do not know if we will be still be together by then. But i am not worried about this now because i have the peace from God which passes all understanding. This peace is that not i know we will still be together, rather it is the promise and assurance that God has the best for me in my life and He will always be with me no matter what.

This time round when i talked her, i truly have let go in my heart. No more looking back or regrets if we are not together. In fact, i used to fear this day will come and it will be my darkest moment. Now it is not that, rather i see a bright future with my Father beside me. It is unlike the last time when i had so much regrets for saying it. The peace and love from my Father just fill me up.

It was today then i realised that all these while i am still on the journey of walking and bringing my ‘Isaac’ to where the altar is. Today is the moment whereby i have ‘killed’ my ‘Isaac’ so that God truly now take the No.1 throne and helm in my life.

If you were to ask me, ‘Do i love her’? It will be an obvious yes, if not how can our relationship be the ‘Isaac’ in my life. Still it is God who gives and takes, if He wants it back then i will accept it because He knows the best for me.

I am not saying my love for God is more and better than others. I acknowledge that i am weak and fragil, i do fall from times to times in my walk with God. But all i want is for my love for Him to be true.

What i can do at the end of the day to this debt of love except to love God with my all. I can love Him because He first loved me.

Thank You, Abba Father.

I’m such a person in her eyes

February 16, 2010

People used to say actions speak louder than words but i guess it is not true in her case. I cannot believe that in her eyes i am those who will not let her enjoy and will not provide for her next time. Just because of what i said and i did not even have a chance to make myself clear. She just hung up on me twice. The killer blow to me was i will not let her go for this and that in the future when we are married. This sentence really took alot out of me.

I was just telling her that is facials and massage session necessary, if possible can do not go for all these and save up abit more for our wedding funds instead. I am going to raise my portion up to $2k/mth since my cpf is with me and her is like only $50/mth.

I understand that she has her housing loans and other stuffs to pay for but i did not really expect much, maybe just a little bit more. Anyway i was trying to cite examples on how something are not essential in life. To her, she thinks that i am controlling her and not happy about she going for all these using her own money. And i am angry about she going for all these now, what about in the future that i will not give her any money to go for all these.

It really breaks my heart when she got pissed off and just hung up on me when i am denied the chance to make things clear. Even worse, till now all that i have done for her are meaningless.

I can say with all my heart that whatever she had asked of me till now, i have not said ‘No’ to her. Whatever i can buy or give her, i have done it. Even for calling back to SG, i have tried to think and save costs for her by calling her from my side instead of asking her to call me also. I also never suspend my Singtel line so that she can sms me for free, while i have to pay extra for the roaming charges.

I always send her back home when we were out no matter how tired i was and went to her house to fetch her when we were going out. Even to the extend of waking up 5plus in the morning to send her to work when i need some rest myself back in Singapore.

When i was broke as a student, i have not asked her to pay for any of our dates. It was only when she wanted to treat back then i let her paid for it. If not, most of the times will be on me. I have not ever complained to her about all these. I needed to skip meals just to save on every cent for our dates and cutting down on other like walking instead of taking buses.

At the end of the day, i am such a person to her. It is so irony that i have given so much to her, to the extend of trusting her with my bank account and in my heart because of what i said, i am someone who will treat her badly after marriage. All that i have done for her seem to go down the drain.

Now that i look back, i find myself so foolish in doing all these. All my efforts were wasted. I have to ask myself now ‘does she deserve my love for her’. Those words were a deep cut into my heart, i do not think i will recover from this. Scars will still remain deep inside. This is what i get from loving truly and deeply.

I hope it is a good thing i can still laugh, laugh at how silly i am. Oh boy, silly poor me for doing all the extra stuffs.

Hopefully a New Start

February 14, 2010

First time in my life i am spending Chinese New Year overseas and for the first time in my life, i no longer dread about Feb the 14th. Yet it is so irony that when i wanted to celebrate it with her, i am away from her.

For these two days, i am really feeling depressed, i am not sure why too. Out of a sudden, i became very negative and moody. It really put a big dent on my relationship with God. The question came back to me again ‘Do i really love Him with all my heart’. If yes, why do i keep disobeying Him in my life. I really fear that i do not really love Him and all these years were just an act. I am confused to the point whereby i wanted to cut off every thing in my life even my relationship with her.

I cannot take it if my love for Him is false. I seem all alone out here, with not much people i can talk to. It does not seem important if i exists or not. There is this emotional outbreak that i cannot control. At times, i feel like i am not important to her at all too. She will lead her life just fine without me.

Even now, my thoughts are still not organised at all. Jumping here and there with randoms stuffs. After my talk with her on sat night, i do not know why but i feel like crying, yet i could not. It was until much later, then i could cry out.

Father, i do not know what is going on with me. The only thing i know is that i want to love You with all of me, yet i keep disobeying You and never spend enough time with You. I feel powerless in my life, weak and weary. Father, be with me.

Simple life

February 6, 2010

Not sure of what to write, tons of questions in my mind which make me do not know where to start from.

During my stay here after 4 months, i am living a simple life. At times i wondered why i am living under such tight budget, not that the allowance is not enough for me. Actually it is enough for me to live a comfortable life. But i choose to lead a life which is lower than the locals here.

It is hard to imagine myself eating foods that cost only $1plus for dinner. Sometimes when it is too tight, i will just eat stuffs that are less than $1. Going for haircut which will only cost me $2.50.

But i realised all these little savings will go a long way. If i keep my daily meal allowance to just 20,000Rp/day instead of 30,000Rp. In 10 days, i can save 100,000Rp and use them to top up my calling card. In the long run, the calling card will be self fund 70% if not 100%.

In the past, i already knew money will be an issue in a relationship, but never expect it to be so much of a burden. The people around me will never understand why. I think i am a loner to them by them when i never join them in outings. Even in outings, it also cost money which i do not like the feeling of spending it.

Hope i will be able to save at least 30% of my allowance here if not more. Haha. Nevertheless, this kind of life is not too bad at least will not be bother by any gals who are after money here cos i am broke too. Hehe.