China

May 29, 2010

Finally the email came on thursday after pestering them for so long. Now i am going to China. Will be back on Singapore on thursday evening first which is the 3rd of June. Maybe flying off again the week after. So to those friends who are reading my blog unlike that previous someone, do sms me if you want to meet up. I will gladly keep my time for you.

After thinking through, i realised the main problem that caused our downfall of the relationship is the lack of communication. Not as in words but the courage to say out what she really feels. Not that i am blaming her for this, but i think to a certain extent, it caused us to quarrel unnecessarily. I will not find someone who cannot communicate at all again. I think it is good that we broke up because i do have high expectations afterall.

Because of this, i talked to one of my Uni friends, she also chose to break up with her boyfriend. She has been with her boyfriend for years even since before Uni days and she also knows that her boyfriend is those perfect with nothing to pick on one. Yet because of someone new, she chose to break up and follow the new one because her boyfriend is working overseas too.

So not looking for any long distance relationship anymore. Hard to work out even with the same faith. So do let me know for those who are interested. Haha.

Valuable Experience

May 26, 2010

After these few months, i realised i have gained very valuable experience by working overseas. It is something totally different. The problems that singaporeans are facing, are not so different from those around the world. We are all facing the same difficulties. The world has so much more stuffs that are going on right now.

I do thank God for this chance because i will not have gotten this job without Him.

Raging

May 19, 2010

There is still a small part inside that is raging. One part of me wanted to find someone to blame for all these so badly that i cannot contain it anymore. Who should i blame, myself, her or God?

So many things are making me confused, all different theologies and i cannot comprehend them. I am becoming more and more confused and forgetful. Where can i start from in order to find an answer to all these questions? Lots and lots of questions left unanswered.

I find that i am not myself more and more as the days go by. What is going on in my life for now? I do not know myself anymore.

If You can, Lord, help me find myself once again.

End of short break

May 18, 2010

Spent the last week in Jakarta, was quite fun. But i was sick for the first two days when i was there so did nothing much. When Tow ming and Kaijing came over, then it was better as we went around sightseeing and shopping.  Lots of interesting things happened over there. Too much to note it all down.

Did not feel like coming back here actually but i have to. I got a piece of news today that i will only be spending 3 months in Rizhao before moving over to Nanjing. It should be good as Nanjing is much bigger and closer to Beijing also which i can tour around China much easier.

Those who are planning to visit Nanjing can feel free to bunk over at my place from this Oct onwards. Haha.

Fall sick

May 9, 2010

For the first time in 7 months, i fell sick. Not sure if it is due to the stress i am facing but it is a tough period now. The only good thing is that i will not be going office anymore for the whole of this week. Staying and planning my Jakarta trip instead.

I do thank God that at least there is still someone who is talking to me most of the time and keeping up spirits up. That person is none other than Zhiyu who helped to keep my mind off things. I guess it must have been tough for her too to keep hearing my complains and nonsenses for the past 2 weeks from morning till wee hours at night, esp on weekends.

What is there to salvage when i am the only one who is willing to do that? Just felt so disappointed in this relationship. Really a painful experience. Maybe it is all for the better.

By myself

May 8, 2010

This time is the final one. No patching back or whatever. Decided to move on.

But i am glad for Gemi who opened up my heart during my talk with her. Like her, she is not willing to give it one more try because it is affected her walk with God. If this is so, then let it be. Beforehand i know that it will come to this point.

Maybe if it is God will then when i am back in Singapore the next time, we will meet again. As of now, i decided to delete her from my life totally. No longer as friends or what. 2 more events to meet up with her, taking back my stuffs and for our friends wedding. That will be all.

Just like what God has asked Gemi, i will choose to answer back in the same way. If He does not granted any of my prayers for my whole life nor gives me anything that i want, will i still love Him? I will choose and live to answer like Gemi ‘Yes i shall’. This question helps to soften the damage because i know He has a plan for me in my life. But i shall learn from this relationship and not repeat the same thing for my next one.

All thanks to Him alone.

Taking things off

May 2, 2010

Weekend was not as bad as i think it will be. Because of my friends who are with me during this period of time. Now i am thinking of my Jakarta trip in 2 weeks time. Tow ming and Kai jing will be joining me to walk around and take a break. Thank God that there is still Zhiyu who is talking to me so i will not think so much and also cheering me up even though she is worried about finding a job right now.

I am glad that there are still friends whom i can still count on, not forgetting Agnes too. Great friends in my life.

All my fault now

April 29, 2010

I was not the one who wants things to be this way. Now all the MY friends are shooting me. Sounds like i am in the wrong. The problem is she chooses to do so. Breaking down communication because it is not her. I am not like seeing her week in week out or once in a forenight. If she does not share with me but always tell me nothing is going on in her life now. What can i do? I can share with her my life but i will not be able to know hers.

If communication comes to a point whereby i ask her 1 question then she gives me 1 or 2 sentences answer. Then there is no point at all. Relationship is a coming together of 2 different lives because they choose to do so. A sharing of lives and union to one. She closed her side.

I asked her if she will call me on her own if i never call her for 3 weeks to 1 month. Her only reply was only if she has something to share. When i pushed on to ask if like the previous 3 weeks, she got nothing to say, means she would not call. She said yes. So her heart is not with me anymore. Her love is gone. She is only staying on for some reasons which i do not know. Maybe our common friends or what. But i was torn apart by her answer.

Thank God that these few days there are still Chin Ee and Zhiyu by my side. If not i will collapse long ago.

Taking a long break

April 28, 2010

After the talk today, i do not really care this time for sure. Will be taking a long break from this relationship. If she still cares, then i hope she will at least give me a call. If not, i will just wait for my heart to turn away from her.

Broken Promises

April 26, 2010

Truly i was in blissed for a while after i got into a relationship with her. But happiness does not last long after all. After which most of the times what i got was broken promises from her.

I have waited and waited to see if she will remember what she promise to do but it was always reason after reason that she will give of why it is not done. I really wondered am i the only one who is putting all my heart into this relationship?

I cannot take this anymore.