Struck

It has been almost 4 months since i am back in Singapore. I have to fully admit that i have turned away from God. Too ashamed to face Him again in the lifestyle that i am leading. Guess i still have the self righteous mindset in me. So many of my friends have stopped blogging or maybe they have changed to a new one without letting anyone know. I am still struck with this old blog of mine.

I have set such a high expectation for myself that i am fearful of it. At times, i paused for a moment in my life and think whether is it all worth it? Am i chasing something that is worthless in life? All my thinking now are so different from when i was in church eons again, have i lost myself in the process?

What is preventing me from seeking His presence again? Myself? Pride? Sins? Fear? Bitterness? I am sure bitterness is one of them, the failure in my last relationship. So much to the extent, that i void myself of all emotions to nothingness. I am just a shadow in the night, no expression, no feeling.

Can i learn to love again? If yes, please let me know YOU back first.

Lastly, i wonder who will read this post of mine…

Moodyz

Been working for the past 2 weeks but i do not feel happy with what i am doing now. Mostly due to the job scope i have been given, not as much learning as what i do expected in the first place.

Maybe i wanted to achieve too much stuffs within the shortest period of time. Too rush.

Putting work aside will be choosing a birthday present for my god sister whose birthday is coming soon in July.

Just heard the news from Cindy that she broke up with her ex bf again. But this is within my expectation. I am not surprised at this. Just that it happened sooner than i expected it.

What is life about? Do we go out all and please someone that we like even if some of the things we do not like it ourselves? My friend in China told me that for marriage just find someone whom you can accept as a whole. Sometimes the one you like may not be the most suitable for you.

But when this is apply to God, the whole thing changes. Now i am getting confused on my concept of love.

What’s there

It has been sometimes since i am back in Singapore. Lotsa of things happen and i do not really know what i want now. Signed up for CFA and exams on this Dec so i must really mug all the way during weekends too.

I need to find a church but not sure where can i go to? Where is a place for me? I have not been able to fulfil my vows to You and i am not close to You anymore. What is this in my life? Brokeness, shame, sins and what else? I am no longer the man i used to be.

Been a year or so

It has been a year or so since i last came to my blog and write something on it. Nothing much since i broke up with her. Since my heart no longer desires God. It went into despair and sadness, just throwing everything away. I once thought to be use for Him here instead i left everything i believe behind. Prayers before meals are more like a routine instead of thanksgiving. I kept wondering where did my old self go to? Was i not myself in all these years that i believed in Him? What was my aim here in China? I did not know anymore, i kept trying to fight for my own glory here, corrupted by all my desires of having power and money. Nothing i did here was in line with what i wanted to come here for.

I really miss Him deep down. What should i choose for? I long for fellowship and worship. The time has come for me to choose once again. I know i can just speak to my COO if i want to continue staying in China for more money. But is that all i want? I am really lost…

Walking Out

Some events happen and i will not be moving to Nanjing anytime soon, but it is sort of ok with me as i will be doing some other stuffs here. One guy told me something which i find it is quite true. It does not matter where you work but how many friends you have over there.

I have plenty of friends here, thought many are also leaving but i have gained some power here so at least i am at some level. My effort is being known here by lots of people.

At least someone has left me one post on where is the church in Rizhao, i do not know how will it be like but i know it is for me as how timley it seems to be when i am staying here longer.

In someone too, i saw a shadow of myself as i treat her and it is really stressful in some ways but then that person shared the same theory as me which i may not be able to carry it out for now. After sometimes, i realised i am a bird without wings, cannot be tied down to anything. I like my freedom very much.

In Rizhao once again

Back here once more after my trip from Singapore. My trip back had did me some good. Met up with my friends and had a nice time over there. It is good not to take someone else into consideration while planning my time. Feel happy to make one new friend or rather not. But met up with one of my NTU online after a few years of chatting online, got to know one another by accident. Haha.

At least, i still have some faith in God after my trip. I realised i really need fellow brothers and sisters to support me in what i do. But she never understand this, have no need for someone like her who does not and will never understand.

One more of my friends is leaving. Sad but good for her. I still have to tough it out until i fulfiled what i have promised Him. I pray that i will be able to once again speak to Him and let me be a vessel once more.

What matters?

At the end, what really matters? What is it that i care for? Myself, others or God? I have strayed far away from Him, so far that i do not know how to face Him anymore. Practically i do not really care much during my stay here. How to speak of His grace and love? I have forgotten how to do that to the people here. I am not a good witness for Him.

What am i doing actually? It just feel so lonely and empty. Tons of words but still feel silent. Silent in my heart and everywhere else.

Took a short break with Eileen to Qingdao for 3 days. Should i say i am shocked to hear that salvation has come to her during these time we were out of contact. Not that i know her well beforehand but enough to know that she was a free thinker when i knew her. Come to think of it, we only spent less than one semester together on my MB102. And that is about it. Nevertheless i still warned her not to share a room and travel with alone with a guy next time round. Too dangerous for a lady even if she thinks she knows how to protect herself.

Father, am i still able to call You that?

Where art my heart?

Has not been blogging for a long time. Since like i have nothing much to say now these days. Everyday is just a passing day to me. What meaning does it hold for now?

I am glad that there are still friends who care for me. Felt happy for Dylan on his ROM this coming Oct. Actually i do not know what to feel for my job here. For a normal person, he will be happy because that there are chances here for me to meet the higher management people because my bosses are bringing me around. Easy for me to climb the ladder here rather than in SG where everyone is the same.

But i felt like i have forgotten what i have came here for. No church here, no people who are christian and i do not even read my bible now. I do not know what am i doing anymore. When i first got this job and her, there was so much hope for the future. There are still some bitterness in my heart of all that have happened.

Father, where art my heart? I am lost for what to do. What am i becoming of now? Why did You leave me all alone now? What is right and what is wrong? How did people view me in the first place? Can’t they still contact me with her? I do not understand myself or people anymore.

Rizhao

Been almost a few months since i last posted. Right now, i am in Rizhao. Thank God that i am not alone here as my bosses are Singaporeans too and we have lunch and dinnder often together. It is nice to have company here.

Being doing some thinking, not to be bad to her but truly i have told her before that if i chose her in the past for looks, she will never make it into my list at all. If her character is not what i think it is anymore, then what more can i love her for? Facing a liar is not what i want for the rest of my life.

For a start, there are alot of frustrations that i have here before i got myself into my current department. I do not know what to do here for Him. Not even a single church building in sight. But i am also in a slump now because of that.

Just pray that everything will be well soon.

Back for 2 weeks

The feeling of coming back to Singapore this time is totally different from the rest. There are some friends whom i need no even ask from them, they will think of coming to fetch me back. As for her, i still need to ask her to come the last time round. If not she will just not do anything, i was not even on her mind.

There are too many letdowns from her in this relationship which makes me think if she was wearing a mask all these while. She does not remember a thing about this relationship not even why we got together in the first place.

A person who has put in efforts in her whole life does not believe in effort in maintaining a relationship. What a joke. Wanting to take the easy way out of life.

The first woman who i feel like throwing my fist at her because of her actions, i will not say anything nice or be dipolmatic because it is not who i am right now. She will still do that because of her need to maintain a nice image in front of others and our friends. Is she really that nice? Maybe to friends but not boyfriend or husband.